Or: How AI Programs the Perfect Cappuccino – and Why That’s Dangerous
The Space World Research Institute has found in its latest study: 34.87% of people are only functional in the morning because their brain receives coffee as a system update – in other words, every third person. According to the study, the human dependence on coffee resembles less a preference and more a software patch. “Without coffee, consciousness doesn’t boot up stably,” the report states dryly. Not the smell, not the caffeine – it is a built-in driver, and without the coffee kick, parts of the brain simply won’t start up!
“We didn’t find out why people love coffee,” the researchers concluded, “but rather that without it they are simply not compatible with reality.” Every third test subject showed the same symptoms: no coffee, no response of the system in the higher brain functions – for example … well, scrolling socials still worked at least.
The next escalation level: Artificial intelligences are now oriented toward coffee aromas in order to structure neural networks. Arabica for long-term memory, Robusta for reaction time – Henriette, the first cappuccino-based washing machine, thinks faster than her developers.
At several universities, experiments are underway with AI whose learning logic is based on latte art patterns. So far, the conclusion: hearts in the milk foam increase empathy values, while leaf patterns lead to enhanced computing power.
“Exciting,” you may think – just like we did, before we learned the shocking background!
At an American university – allegedly without approval – students of religious studies were recruited for tests. The anonymous informant who gave us the tip explained that this group was classified as “the most gullible.” Athletes were also under discussion, but in that group, the influence of other substances could unfortunately not be ruled out permanently.
The choice of test subjects caused more headlines than the experiments themselves. The leak created a stir: It wasn’t the experiments with neural cappuccinos that outraged the public, but the selection of the participants.
Religious studies scholars protested against being considered “statistically particularly suggestible,” while the control group of physicists remained silent and smugly sipped tea.
Safety Warning
It is not known how the drivers were injected into the test subjects. According to the research leadership, the project has been taken over by the government. It is uncertain whether these drivers were only a temporary product or whether lasting dangers exist.
One thing is certain: coffee is particularly risky for people with brain implants. Even a wrongly pulled espresso could overwrite memory paths.
Neuroengineers now point to possible side effects: anyone with an active brain implant could experience a complete reboot from the wrong flat white. “A cappuccino as the blue screen of consciousness,” said one researcher.
The combination of implant and milk foam is considered highly risky. In tests, several subjects crashed – one later reported that he had read his password in the foam but could no longer recall it.
Starbucks denied reports of government contracts and secret product lines, but photos of drinks such as the Triple Neural Caramel Macchiato or the Synapse-Spice Latte circulate online. They allegedly contain experimental command codes in the syrup.
Under the codename “Dark Brew Initiative,” Starbucks is said to be cooperating with research institutes. Test drinks are listed in the test protocols as “Dark Matter Cold Brew” or “Quantum Espresso Shot” – feedback ranges from increased concentration to spontaneous déjà vus.
A former barista recounts: “Some drinks didn’t lead to wakefulness, but to short stays in parallel universes.” Particularly unpopular: the Black Hole Americano – “sometimes the customer just didn’t come back.”
And in case anyone wonders why Steve demonstratively doesn’t drink coffee in the Space World: officially, he has never given a reason. Unofficially, he may simply have been better informed.
The editorial team does not comment, but one sentence keeps coming to mind: “Some drink coffee to wake up. Steve abstains – to avoid waking up somewhere else.”
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