Or: Why you can never log in on your first try
Modern science agrees:
The world formula is nothing more than the final password, the key to understanding life, the universe—simply everything.
However, the path to it is overgrown with a jungle of special characters, resets, and a myriad of passwords.
Not just any characters, of course, but ones that exist in a state between “wrong” and “typo.”
Only when you enter them (usually on PayPal or the big email reset lottery*) does reality manifest itself: The password was—of course—wrong.
But this is where the real conspiracy™ begins:
As quantum physicists have suspected for years, all your passwords exist simultaneously in an infinite number of versions.
There's the “I'm sure I typed it right” password, the “I only changed it for this one subscription” password, and the “why does it suddenly have to contain a special character” password.
Then there's the “Honey, when was your great-grandmother's birthday?” stroke of genius, followed by “No, that's not my ex's name, that's my mother's maiden name.”
Only when you click “Log in” does the universe decide on a state. And most of the time, it's “WRONG PASSWORD – 2 more attempts.”
Brand new warning from the international password community:
The latest information to emerge from a public think tank (presumably Facebook) is worrying even the most hardened experts. According to this information, a meta password was created years ago.
This meta password, according to the theory, has been roaming freely through the internet ever since. Inconspicuous, cunning, and always ready to sneak into the neural back rooms of careless users' brains and secretly crack other passwords.
Because the meta password knows no logout. It simply logs you out. If you're lucky. Because this Loki among the online gods likes to play tricks on the non-digital.
AIT security labs therefore warn:
Never enter the same password on two different portals,
as you could suddenly find yourself logged into a completely different platform – for example, the members' area of the Society for Advanced Sock Disappearance (SASD).
No one knows how to get out of there.
Secret AIT laboratories have therefore been working on the ultimate login solution™ for some time now:
The Schrödinger password.
A system that only lets you in when you are absolutely sure that no one is looking.
That's right, not even yourself. Alternatively, universal disorientation is always an option. The main thing is that you can still find the field for entering your password.
Pro tip:
The perfect password is like the truth: no one knows it, and it changes constantly on its own.
The truth™ is:
Passwords are only as strong as the user's nerves.
And the perfect password?
It exists.
Somewhere.
In another world.
And it definitely has the right special character.
And you have the keyboard to type it.
<sub> **The big email reset lottery:** That thrill when you wait 15 minutes for the reset email, only to find that the link was only valid for 10 minutes. And then you have to start all over again – including a creativity marathon in search of a *really* secure new password. </sub>
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